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They breed them young.

I’m off to Atlanta for some debauchery this weekend, so I’ll leave you with this monstrosity.

Found this bad lad while buying CDs for the first time in years at Best Buy. Dear God. Someone, please, make it stop.

Seeing how I would never put my hard earned sub teaching dollars for purchasing something of this nature, I can only imagine what they subscribe to the new parent with Florida fandom running through their veins. Perhaps a Baby Chomp? Or a “Go Gators!” chant? Baby Jorts? Or maybe a Baby AK-47 comes included with the DVD, and your toddler can lay waste to parking lot air space to intimidate other toddlers in pre-school who dare grow up to be Seminole fans?

The DVD details:

You love your kids, you love your family, and you love your University of Florida Gators®! Now you can combine them all with this exciting Team Baby Entertainment DVD. This DVD features officially licensed NCAA footage of Gator sports, highlighting the marching band and campus attractions, along with the sights, sounds, traditions, and colors of the Florida Gators®. BABY Gator® combines all the great things you love about the University of Florida, with all the things you want your lil’toddler to learn – numbers, letters, colors and more.  Featuring the music from the Fightin’ Gator Marching Band, “Pride of The Sunshine”, as well as original footage of the “Gator Kids”, BABY Gator® is the ideal way to raise tomorrow’s fans today! Makes a great gift!

Watch together… cheer together… learn together. Raising Tomorrow’s Florida Fan Today!

What they forgot to mention was that your toddlers becoming Gator Fans this early will max out their intelligence level with this DVD.

Public schools really do have too much money. Of course, if Miami did one of these, you’d have Baby “It’s All About this U,” Baby Piss in a Cup and Throw it, and Baby “Fuck You Seminoles” chants.

This is gaining enough national news again that I’ll hit the well once more. Larry Coker is a finalist for the UTSA head coaching position.

I’ve gone over this before, but UT-San Antonio, if you know what is good for the longevity of your program, make haste with this Okie and scratch him off your list. His record does not speak for his abilities. Well, if you only take his past two years at Miami, then yes, it is right on.

You have a great D2 candidate in NW Missouri State HC Mel Tjeerdsma, who has won two D2 titles (‘98, ‘99), and finished 2nd thee times (‘05, ‘06, ‘07). This guy literally built that program. The Missouri Governor wanted to turn to school into a freeway before he got there! And you are considering hiring Larry?

As the great Dana Marschz once said, “It’s a slippery slope… beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, hiring Larry Coker, chicks with dicks, then jail!”

This is your final warning UTSA.

A request, for all the real media giving timely updates on all things Hurricanes…..will someone, anyone, please find me a photo of Colin McCarthy with a mo’hawk?

And one more fantastic tidbit of new to come out of the outlets today: Travis Benjamin switched his jersey to #3. Yes! The Kyle Wright experience grows more and more distant with each passing year. You see, I found my girlfriend an authentic Canes jersey, for $10, all because it was #3, during the lean years of Mr. California All-Everything. Needless to say, it was overpriced. I’ve been coaching her repeatedly to say “Supporting #3 Jason Geathers, NOT Kyle Wright,” but you never know how intelligent the listener really is. Once Benji blows up this year, however, we will all be in the black.

Also, I am in need of a real camera to take photos at the Spring Game. Make haste with your contributions.

ESPN should just shut down its college football site after signing day. Conserve salaries and hosting space, like GM getting rid of all their clocks. That way, they wouldn’t feel the need to do an arbitrary selection like this for every team in the country.

That said, the final list from Heather Dinich over at the ACC blog, was the following: Howard Schnellenberger, Michael Irvin, Vinny Testaverde, and Ken Dorsey.

Ok, Howard and Irvin are the obvious no brainers. The man who literally built the program, and the most recognizable Cane of all time. However, Testaverde and Dorsey are stretches for me, and Dorsey shouldn’t be in there at all.

My list, if succombing to this, would be Schnellenberger, Irvin, Ed Reed, and Jerome Brown. Vinny never won a national title, I believe the only name brand QB at Miami to never do so. Dorsey was not the real leader on those teams, Reed was. As much as I loved Kenny boy, and boy did I love him, especially once Brock took the helm, he could’ve arguably been replaced by any QB in the country who had great smarts. He was surrounded by the most talented offense in the country for three years, and also had a fantastic defense for short fields, playing with early leads, etc.

As for Jerome, anyone who can lay claim to the two best ever Miami anecdotes will always make it on my list. (“Ja-may-al, come out and paaa-lay-yay,” Brown taunted, “Come on out, Ja-may-al!”  and “Did the Japanese go sit down and have dinner with Pearl Harbor before they bombed them?” Muwahahahaha.)

Apologies to Ted Hendricks, who was notably awesome (3 time All American, considered one of the best defensive players ever), but I just don’t know enough about him to add him to the list. The Mad Stork was past my time.

Back when Michael also used to "assist" the defense

In a slightly surprising move, Randy has “promoted” LB coach Michael Barrow to the role of Defensive Assistant. Nice. Barrow now will be able to focus on other general tasks, and here’s hoping he just goes out and recruits non stop the entire season, and this is a figure head title for him. New DC John Lovett will take over the LB job. Seems Lovett was pissed he was a Defensive Assistant for all those years under Butch, and it’s time for someone else to ride the pine for awhile. Barrow is the odd man out.

This pretty much opens the door wide open for uber-recruiter Clint Hurtt to become the next DC when Lovett steps down, or decides he can’t resist going back to his alma mater, C.W. Post College.

Man I miss these sick jerseys.

Relatively fresh news out of the Miami off season camp, with the annoucement Sam Shields will be moved to the defensive side of the ball. Word has it Randy sees the depleted secondary, the enormous talent and depth at the WR position, and saw this one as a no brainer.

I like the move as well. Shields is 6′0” 186, so he instantly transforms from undersized WR to oversized DB. Add in the fact he will be a senior, and he should be able to pick up the new position quicker than most. Shields played great last year on special teams, and isn’t defense the closest thing we got to special teams?

With all the news of Miami rescinding Bryce Brown’s scholarship offer once it expired yesterday, we here at Anton Azucar decided it would be a great time to get the input from close friend of the program, Hollywood mogul Les Grossman. Not many in the movie biz, or college football for that matter, know that Les actually grew up in the South Florida area. A graduate of Miami Beach Senior High in 1974, Les actually went there back when it was cool, with the likes of Andy Garcia and Mickey Rourke. Onto the questions.

Anton Azucar: Les, thank you for doing this interview via BlackBerry.

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell on with it before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…wait, who am I talking to? This isn’t Deco Drive? (audible whispers from assistant). Oh…..Anything for my hometown team, Anton. Sometimes we forget all the little people, the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives, when we reach the top.

AA: Uh, right. Thanks. First off Les, what are your thoughts on how Randy Shannon is doing?

LG: Fucking fantastic. Someone has to treat the little people like the expendable pieces of shit they are.

AA: What do you make of this whole Bryce Brown saga playing out?

LG: Fuck the Bible Belt! Jesus worshiping Helots. They all fucking suck!

AA: Um, Brown is listed as the #1 recruit out of Rivals. Are you serious Les?

LG: The fuck? Rivals? You call ME begging for an interview, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get linked to some real blog, all so you can be called the 3rd runner-up “Hurricanes blog” of 2009… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?

Look here. We all know all the best talent comes out of South Florida. That’s physics. It’s inevitable. The universe….it’s talking to Randy right now. He just has to listen. [Les heard turning on Flo Rider's "Low" in the background] See, this is the good part, fuckstick. This is when the job gets fun! Can you feel me dancing through my BlackBerry? Can you feel it? Randy needs to tell all these local high school coaches, “you play ball…we play ball. I knowwwwww, you want the goodies!” You paying attention South Florida high school coaches? I’m talking…G5 fuckstick! That’s how these coaches can roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for Randy or his staff. I have his back. (pause) Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Randy gonna be an Big Dick playa! Big dick, baby!

AA: Uh, moving on. So I take it you’re not a fan of Brian Butler, who seems to be calling all the shots?

LG: Look here. This is what I would do if I was Randy Shannon. Got Butler on the phone? Great. Tell him this. “You want a new scholarship to be faxed over? Hold on, let me get this down. New scholarship, no expiration date, sent to Wichita, Kansas… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a new scholarship offer, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?” Then, Randy kills him. Does his thing, skins the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. GO TO TOWN!

AA: Um, uh, that is a very unique perspective. I’m sure coaches in the future will be happy with that result, actually. Les, do you think the NCAA should institute an early signing period for recruits?

LG: Absofuckinglutely. Absofuckinglutely. Anytime you can legally entangle great talent in a web of bullshit legal jargon and contracts, you fucking do it.

AA: Les, what are your predictions for the upcoming year? Have you seen the slate Miami is faced with to open their season?

LG: What they gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Seminoles in the opener? Spank it. Oklahoma at home? Spank it. ACC schedule? Spank it. You catchin’ my drift here fuck stick?

AA: Yes, sure am Les. (beat) Les, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions today. You are a great friend to the program.

LG: No problem. MBSH Class of ‘74. That fat fuck Rourke is gonna owe me big time come Sunday. He can go on another 10 year bender after what I’ve done for him. Wait, what’s your name again?

AA: Anton Azucar.

LG: What the fuck kinda name is that? You a fucking sugar cube? I don’t fucking get it. Listen. A nutless monkey could do your job. Seriously.

AA: Well, Les, it does take some talent to do this-

LG: Nutless. Monkey. Now, go get drunk and get massive hits. Go Canes.

AA: Uh, thanks, Les. Until next time.

I forgot to post this yesterday, but for any of you who didnt see, good ole Bruce feldman gave his take on Miami’s daunting schedules in his chat Friday.

Anton (Fort Lauderdale, FL): Bruce, what do you think of Miami’s murderous opening stretch of games next year? (FSU and Va Tech on the road, Ga Tech and Oklahoma at home). On paper, their overall schedule, after throwing in UNC and South Florida, is the hardest overall ACC schedule I’ve ever seen.

 Bruce Feldman: It is brutal. It’ll be the roughest start of any program in the last 7-8 years. But not the toughest ever. I’ll have more on that later today in my blog. Good thing for UM Jacory Harris is solid at QB, but the O-line is a big question mark and how will new DC John Lovett get that run defense together and can he get some plays out of those young DBs?

Damn. Bruce tore me a new one on the toughest ACC schedule proclamation. However, it looks like Bruce and I are becoming fast friends. Me, him, and Jose Yero are going to have to catch a fleek together, maybe heet a deesco.

Update: Head on over to my new blog location after your stop here: AntonAzucar.com

The reason I have not thrown my opinion into this ring yet is because I just don’t care. And this is not your typical message board themed hatred of “Fuck him if he doesn’t want to come to the U! We’ll kick his ass!” variety. I don’t care where Bryce Brown ends up. If he comes to Miami, I will be extremely happy. He is the #1 recruit out of Rivals. There is no denying his talent. Acquiring talent is good business. However, there is also no denying his lack of mental aptitude; this guy seems like a total headcase.

He is most likely being pulled in multiple directions, receiving input from his “handler,” let alone whatever big bro Arthur has been telling him about Coral Gables. Originally, after the first fasting last winter, it was Miami. Then Oregon was added in the mix. Then USC. Then Tennessee. Now LSU. If he ends up honoring his “commitment” to Miami, and he takes off for his first 20 yard burst through the middle from Big Whip’s newly designed O, we will forget all about this.