Today we delve back in the gritty underground that is sub teaching. Or as Miami Public Schools call it, temporary instructing. Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings of professionalism.

I’ve been a sub in Miami, at four different schools, and in New York City, mostly in Manhattan. I always thought Miami kids were annoying and stupid. That was until I got to Manhattan. Those kids are fucking losers. The public schools of course. Private schools are another matter. I make it a point to never go below high schools. Anything younger and my extremely long patience (re: I don’t give a fuck) wears thin. However, private schools in Manhattan are so good that I would sub 2nd graders. Ok. Back to the public fucks.

One assignment was for me to be the “recess coordinator” for a school in Harlem. Now, I’m not stupid. I’m white. I know what is in Harlem. I know I am not welcome in some areas of Harlem. Lots of students who won’t listen to a young kracka ass. Nevertheless, $100/day, so up the train I went. It was an assignment for two months, until the end of the school year. I was gone after two days.

Immediately I find out that these students are PAID to attend school. And not in fucking stickers. These fucks get $70 a week. And this was a middle school. $280 a month? Do you realize and remember how much that would have been in middle school? You would have been rich! So, right away, I’m not liking the situation. On top of that, again, I agreed to sub at this school until the end of the semester. This means no more waking up at 6am and calling 5 schools for work, which is a big bonus. We’ll see.

Turns out the only way to control these fucks is to threaten to take their money. Well, at least they get some knowledge of how the real world works. Too bad they’ll be dead or too cracked in 5 years to realize it. But let’s get to the situation that ended my short illustrious career in Harlem subbing.

During one of my “recess coordinating” gigs, the students all pile into the gym, get out every single ball imaginable, and either shoot baskets, or throw them at the heads of each other. Nothing else. So, this is quite fun to watch, as you can imagine. Also I notice that the actual teachers for the students sit in the bleachers talking to other teachers, acting oblivious to what’s going on right in front of them. It was ridiculous how they could get pelted with a dodgeball in the shoulder, yell at the thrower, and immediately rejoin the convo in stride. So these teachers are actually making it worse for me. Students see no discipline from their own teachers = no fucking way listening to me.

The first day went by just as a really, really, really, loud and annoying recess session from middle school. Lots of yelling, balls everywhere, black kids nearly fighting over basketball fouls. Again, $100/day for just standing and putting up with this shit. I didn’t really have to do anything. If the regular fucking teachers just sit there and do nothing, on salary, I’m sure as shit not doing anything. The second day, however, would prove my breaking point.

Same old shit. Yelling, screaming, etc. But this day a girl throws a dodgeball at a boy’s head. Direct hit! I’m laughing. I’m also standing about 10 feet away. The girl isn’t paying attention anymore, and the boy is fucking pissed. He winds up, and swings at her head as hard as he can. She doesn’t even see it coming. He has worse accuracy than her. Therefore she is still alive. The boy missed her head by about 4 inches, and she didn’t even notice he swung at her. Me, being 10 feet away, being a potential witness to a possible traumatic head injury, immediately say “Fuck this” and walk out the door. I only go back into Harlem now for Dino BBQ. (125th and 12th!!!!)

Man, this post got out of hand. And there’s more! Now in Miami, I am always given the worst classes. The sub coordinator makes a point to do this. Multiple times a week, she will tell me how a different sub told her they don’t want to ever sub at the school again, the kids were so bad. I get back the next day, and tell her there was no problem. She loves me. I just don’t care. No 15 year old will ever be annoying enough to make me quit this cush job. They can shit on the desk and shape it into brown doves and I wouldn’t quit. How else am I supposed to read 2 books a week while having responsibility for shaping the minds of the future?

Example dialogue at beginning of each class between myself and potential slackers: You dont want to do anything, fine. I don’t care. You don’t have to. I’m going to read. You want to listen to music? Fine. Put on headphones. I don’t want to hear it. Principal walks in, asks what you’re all doing on the computers? Dont say a word. Just agree with whatever I say. “Look, here’s their work right here. (point to already set up stack of papers on desk) They just finished, so I let them go on to the computers since there isn’t anything else.” Problem solved.

Lets go through how awesome I am at work.

A day in the life of the best temporary instructor known to Jorel.

6:25am-wake up.

6:26am-take Nyla (dog) out.

6:32am-get pissed at Nyla for taking so long to piss and poop when I purposely make her wait over 12 hours just to make sure she goes quickly in the morning.

6:35am-give Nyla food.

6:36am-go check my websites.

6:55am-get dressed (I don’t shower. Waste of time in the morning. Plus my beautiful hair looks better matted down.)

7:00am-walk to school.

7:05am-walk through same group of douchebag male high schoolers that always block the fucking sidewalk to act tough. Fags. I bet they skip class and hang out in the same spot after school.

7:06am-find out who I’m subbing for. Today, the subbing coordinator, tells me how last week when I subbed Choir a teacher complained that she found two of my students in her classroom, twice, and finally walked them back to my class, came in, and saw me sitting in the back of the class reading the sports section. Whoops. I tell her that I merely let them go to the bathroom, and they never returned. (Good cover! I use it every time.) Temporary Instructor rules state that I cannot leave the classroom alone to the students under any circumstances. You want to roam the halls? Go for it. You want to go to second lunch? Be my guest. Just don’t get caught. Because I will throw you under the Anton bus like masterbating with soap. Hard, with pain.

7:10am-arrive at my class. Today, I have it easier than normal, which is almost impossible. Instead of baby sitting an entire class of rejects, I have to just proctor one student at a time in a small room. They get 30 minutes to prepare for, supposedly, a very hard IB english oral test, which they take right after. I say supposedly because I never took any hard classes in high school other than honors math, so I don’t know if what they are doing is really that hard. They sure stress out like they’re gonna be whipped at home if they don’t pass. I was put into NHS and AP History due to my grades, and dropped out immediately, much to every one’s dismay. “Anton, Anton, why are you taking the stupid American History? That’s for all the dropouts and losers!” Because I don’t want to read ten fucking books during the summer, all for an sash to wear during graduation, that won’t help me get more money from college anyways. So fuck off. I’m going to coast like Vince Carter in a contract dispute, and there’s nothing you can do about it, because I have talent.

7:30am-begin awesome day of starting timer, reading, stopping timer.

8:00am-repeat.

8:30am-repeat.

In fact, I repeat that shit all the way until 2pm. Then I go home. And I got $100 bucks for that. Your job sucks.