Les Grossman on Bryce Brown Saga

With all the news of Miami rescinding Bryce Brown’s scholarship offer once it expired yesterday, we here at Anton Azucar decided it would be a great time to get the input from close friend of the program, Hollywood mogul Les Grossman. Not many in the movie biz, or college football for that matter, know that Les actually grew up in the South Florida area. A graduate of Miami Beach Senior High in 1974, Les actually went there back when it was cool, with the likes of Andy Garcia and Mickey Rourke. Onto the questions.

Anton Azucar: Les, thank you for doing this interview via BlackBerry.

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell on with it before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…wait, who am I talking to? This isn’t Deco Drive? (audible whispers from assistant). Oh…..Anything for my hometown team, Anton. Sometimes we forget all the little people, the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives, when we reach the top.

AA: Uh, right. Thanks. First off Les, what are your thoughts on how Randy Shannon is doing?

LG: Fucking fantastic. Someone has to treat the little people like the expendable pieces of shit they are.

AA: What do you make of this whole Bryce Brown saga playing out?

LG: Fuck the Bible Belt! Jesus worshiping Helots. They all fucking suck!

AA: Um, Brown is listed as the #1 recruit out of Rivals. Are you serious Les?

LG: The fuck? Rivals? You call ME begging for an interview, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get linked to some real blog, all so you can be called the 3rd runner-up “Hurricanes blog” of 2009… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?

Look here. We all know all the best talent comes out of South Florida. That’s physics. It’s inevitable. The universe….it’s talking to Randy right now. He just has to listen. [Les heard turning on Flo Rider's "Low" in the background] See, this is the good part, fuckstick. This is when the job gets fun! Can you feel me dancing through my BlackBerry? Can you feel it? Randy needs to tell all these local high school coaches, “you play ball…we play ball. I knowwwwww, you want the goodies!” You paying attention South Florida high school coaches? I’m talking…G5 fuckstick! That’s how these coaches can roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for Randy or his staff. I have his back. (pause) Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Randy gonna be an Big Dick playa! Big dick, baby!

AA: Uh, moving on. So I take it you’re not a fan of Brian Butler, who seems to be calling all the shots?

LG: Look here. This is what I would do if I was Randy Shannon. Got Butler on the phone? Great. Tell him this. “You want a new scholarship to be faxed over? Hold on, let me get this down. New scholarship, no expiration date, sent to Wichita, Kansas… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a new scholarship offer, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?” Then, Randy kills him. Does his thing, skins the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. GO TO TOWN!

AA: Um, uh, that is a very unique perspective. I’m sure coaches in the future will be happy with that result, actually. Les, do you think the NCAA should institute an early signing period for recruits?

LG: Absofuckinglutely. Absofuckinglutely. Anytime you can legally entangle great talent in a web of bullshit legal jargon and contracts, you fucking do it.

AA: Les, what are your predictions for the upcoming year? Have you seen the slate Miami is faced with to open their season?

LG: What they gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Seminoles in the opener? Spank it. Oklahoma at home? Spank it. ACC schedule? Spank it. You catchin’ my drift here fuck stick?

AA: Yes, sure am Les. (beat) Les, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions today. You are a great friend to the program.

LG: No problem. MBSH Class of ‘74. That fat fuck Rourke is gonna owe me big time come Sunday. He can go on another 10 year bender after what I’ve done for him. Wait, what’s your name again?

AA: Anton Azucar.

LG: What the fuck kinda name is that? You a fucking sugar cube? I don’t fucking get it. Listen. A nutless monkey could do your job. Seriously.

AA: Well, Les, it does take some talent to do this-

LG: Nutless. Monkey. Now, go get drunk and get massive hits. Go Canes.

AA: Uh, thanks, Les. Until next time.

Bryce Brown (Lack of) Drama

Update: Head on over to my new blog location after your stop here: AntonAzucar.com

The reason I have not thrown my opinion into this ring yet is because I just don’t care. And this is not your typical message board themed hatred of “Fuck him if he doesn’t want to come to the U! We’ll kick his ass!” variety. I don’t care where Bryce Brown ends up. If he comes to Miami, I will be extremely happy. He is the #1 recruit out of Rivals. There is no denying his talent. Acquiring talent is good business. However, there is also no denying his lack of mental aptitude; this guy seems like a total headcase.

He is most likely being pulled in multiple directions, receiving input from his “handler,” let alone whatever big bro Arthur has been telling him about Coral Gables. Originally, after the first fasting last winter, it was Miami. Then Oregon was added in the mix. Then USC. Then Tennessee. Now LSU. If he ends up honoring his “commitment” to Miami, and he takes off for his first 20 yard burst through the middle from Big Whip’s newly designed O, we will forget all about this.

Bryce Brown looks to be an ideal fit for the Chip Kelly led Oregon Offense. Their team of two years ago was incredible, with Dennis Dixon and Jonathon Stewart running roughshod to a highly probable national title before Dixon’s knee gave out. Brown would flourish in that offense, and especially against those Pac-10 defenses. Not that the ACC has stalwart wrecking crews, but they produce more NFL talent across the board.

Lets also not discount the fact Miami is loaded at the RB position. Cooper and James come back with plenty of experience. Lee Chambers had a mini coming out party in the Emerald Bowl. Add in to the mix Lamar Miller, considered one of the best in the true talent rich area of Dade, and I have zero interest in worrying where Brown ends up.

The best part that will come out of this is next year, when the next ego maniac decides to wait a month after signing day to decide, the NCAA will enact a rule to force kids to sign during a specific time period. And if they somehow see the light and grant an early signing period as well, we will all thank the Bryce Brown’s and Terrell Pryor’s of the world who made it all happen.

Of course, if Bryce Brown goes to Oregon, performs like Adrian Peterson in year one, I will look like a total douche.

National Signing Day is upon us

Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn’t be getting laid with all these recruits, but I do. And do you know why? Because when I’m hanging out with a recruit, that’s all I’m doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I’m not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with them. And this completely confuses them because they’re saying “Wait a minute. I’m so much better looking than this guy. I’m on ESPN’s Top 150. Isn’t he attracted to me?” The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us.

It’s like Butch Davis on the Titanic. He kept saying, “More people, more people.” But Randy was, like, “No.”

Don’t fret Canes fans. Randy has this all under control. Be a Steve, not a Stu.

Sam Barrington (OLB) commits to Miami…wait, he actually doesn’t

(This post was set to run if Barrington picked Miami, but I spend so much time on it, I decided to run it anyways.)

Sam Barrington decided to beat the oversaturation of tomorrow’s hat fest and announce his college decision tonight. Staking out a club in his hometown of Jacksonville, Barrington announced mere minutes ago he will be attending Miami to play football.

Barrington listed his final three as UM, South Florida, and Illinois. Damn Zooker. Overreaching again into this great commodity ripe state of Florida. He just makes the rest of them work harder. Barrington even said he didn’t like the cold. Another hit to the Midwest! Hold out for those playoff home games Big Ten!

Barrington is listed as 6′3” 215. Great starting off point for an OLB. He is #37 LB prospect in the nation; not too shabby. I see him as someone who will predominantly play special teams next year, with Spence manning the LB group, McCarthy back from injury, and Arthur Brown stepping into a starting role. Barrington can slide right in once McCarthy graduates, and run amok his sophomore year, a la the majority of the 2002 defense.

His senior year stats are pretty good: 1,118 yards rushing, 17 TD, 109 tackles, 4 TFL, 3 sacks. However, I can’t find out anything on his competition up there in Jax.

Barrington is listed as a 3 star by Rivals. Depth! Depth! Depth!

(Update: Barrington picked South Florida. You suck Barrington! You’re just a crappy 3 star! Who needs depth anyways! I wasted ten minutes of my life!)

2009 National Signing Day Eve

These are for you Randy.

On this NSD eve, the XMas for all those affiliated with any team across the college football world, I share this fantastic article I saw over on Bleed Scarlet, a Rutgers blog, via MGoBlog, who linked to it first.

Man, that sentence was long. PTA worthy. I should probably cut it up. Yes, I’m being lazy. Close ‘em up Randy!

Speed Kills, but only if you’re poor

If you grew up here, you must be fast. House caves in at 4am on a Thursday morning? You better have 4.4 speed to escape!

As we all await the inevitable drama from Bryce Brown on Wednesday, I thought this would be a good time to settle an ongoing argument. Where does the best high school football talent come from? (Not Kansas!) We will all agree that the top 3 states for mining players are Florida, Texas, and California. And in the end, it always comes back to Florida and Texas.

This debate has raged on and on for years, especially when places like ESPN put up a poll for fans to vote upon. Does anyone really think Texas wasn’t going to get the most votes? We know how dem Texans are. They never back down on anything. They will tell you there is a movie theater with 87 screens right outside their doorstep in Arlington, it’s called the Dallas 87 Grand, and when you go online, find the truth, call them out on it (only 24 screens!), they will simply move on to telling you Kyle from Real World Chicago will come out as gay by the last episode, he knows this as fact, because his sister knows someone at MTV in Manhattan, you guys should go online and bet on this. You following the trend here? If they know they lost one argument, they will just fixate you onto a new one, which most likely you cannot disprove.

Then, in a gift from a former Cane god, the answer arrived. Butch Davis, when describing the potential pitfalls of recruiting, threw out this gem:

“You may be buying the finished product,” Davis said. “There’s a little bit of that in Texas. Those schools have got more money than God. They have a strength coach, 15 high school coaches. The players have been in the same program since sixth or seventh grade. You get them and four years later they are the exact same player.

“You go to Pahokee, Fla., where a kid eats once a day, his parents may not be around,” Davis said. “You get him in a weightlifting program. Two years later, he’s three times better than the kid from Texas.”

Dammit. I knew I should’ve emancipated myself, moved to downtown Detroit, and ate breadsticks for lunch as my sole government-assisted meal for the day.

Ray Ray Armstrong (S) to visit this weekend

Where are all the 5-stars Balki! Larry ain't gonna be happy when he sees this mess!

Last weekend was the big one for recruits, with half a dozen or so on campus, checking out Coral Gables and Coconut Grove’s finest. This weekend, the last before National Signing Day, is a more subdued affair. Notable on the list is Ray Ray Armstrong, who, if he lives up to his high school hype, will no doubt become my new favorite, rotating Cane. He plays my favorite position, and is being compared in some circles to my favorite Cane of all time, Sean Taylor.

“Miami coaches just tell me to be ready when I get there, work hard,” Armstrong said. “I see myself playing right away, making a big impact.”

“They say I have a nose for the ball like him (Sean Taylor),” Armstrong said.

Up until this off-season, I actually abhored recruiting. Felt it was an unnecessary exurberance, a gluttonous affair, something for the unemployed or wanting to be unemployed males to argue about on message boards. Last year, after Randy signed the incredible class, I was, at best, ho hum. “I’ll pay attention when they see the field,” I said. “Call me when they show some game results,” I responded to excited friends.

After last season, I am a changed man.

Watching Sean Spence wreak havoc, Aldarius Johnson make spectacular catches, Travis Benjamin near Hester-esque returns, Laron Byrd’s coming out party in the Emerald Bowl, I now am a believer. Sure, recruiting is still a hit and miss game. Always will be when you are choosing a commodity that is not fully grown. I’ve said this before, but since most of you are fresh readers, I’ll say it again. In the words of one of my heroes, Clarence Worley, “I’d rather have a gun and not need it, than need a gun and not have it.” No matter what anyone says, the results speak for themselves.

Malcolm Bunche (OL) commits to Miami

Step back kracka!

With all this craziness regarding the new OC hire, we can’t forget the most important part of the off-season, getting fresh Miami Thugs ®. Miami signed another OL this past week in Malcolm Bunche, a 3 star recruit on Rivals.

Bunche is #39 at his position, and is a whopping 6′5” 315. Miami definitely can’t sign enough O-linemen, and I hope they bring in some corn-fed Iowa boys as walk-ons, just to get beat up every day and called Krackers for their overalls and haircuts.

Bunche’s other finalists were Rutgers and Maryland. Always good to steal someone Schiano wanted. (Recruit your own state buddy! Learn to manage a game! Joe Pa is never retiring!) Anyways. Manny Navarro has some more details on Bunche, and speaks the truth when he says most recruiting posts are Height/Weight/40 time/Star Ranking/Next!, of which I also fall victim. But that’s why they get paid! To feed us information, of which we just throw a great, fantastic opinion on, no doubt hilarious in its efforts.

Men at Work is a great movie.