Larry Coker a finalist for UTSA job

This is gaining enough national news again that I’ll hit the well once more. Larry Coker is a finalist for the UTSA head coaching position.

I’ve gone over this before, but UT-San Antonio, if you know what is good for the longevity of your program, make haste with this Okie and scratch him off your list. His record does not speak for his abilities. Well, if you only take his past two years at Miami, then yes, it is right on.

You have a great D2 candidate in NW Missouri State HC Mel Tjeerdsma, who has won two D2 titles (‘98, ‘99), and finished 2nd thee times (‘05, ‘06, ‘07). This guy literally built that program. The Missouri Governor wanted to turn to school into a freeway before he got there! And you are considering hiring Larry?

As the great Dana Marschz once said, “It’s a slippery slope… beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, hiring Larry Coker, chicks with dicks, then jail!”

This is your final warning UTSA.

Spring Practice starts today

A request, for all the real media giving timely updates on all things Hurricanes…..will someone, anyone, please find me a photo of Colin McCarthy with a mo’hawk?

And one more fantastic tidbit of new to come out of the outlets today: Travis Benjamin switched his jersey to #3. Yes! The Kyle Wright experience grows more and more distant with each passing year. You see, I found my girlfriend an authentic Canes jersey, for $10, all because it was #3, during the lean years of Mr. California All-Everything. Needless to say, it was overpriced. I’ve been coaching her repeatedly to say “Supporting #3 Jason Geathers, NOT Kyle Wright,” but you never know how intelligent the listener really is. Once Benji blows up this year, however, we will all be in the black.

Also, I am in need of a real camera to take photos at the Spring Game. Make haste with your contributions.

Miami’s Mount Rushmore

ESPN should just shut down its college football site after signing day. Conserve salaries and hosting space, like GM getting rid of all their clocks. That way, they wouldn’t feel the need to do an arbitrary selection like this for every team in the country.

That said, the final list from Heather Dinich over at the ACC blog, was the following: Howard Schnellenberger, Michael Irvin, Vinny Testaverde, and Ken Dorsey.

Ok, Howard and Irvin are the obvious no brainers. The man who literally built the program, and the most recognizable Cane of all time. However, Testaverde and Dorsey are stretches for me, and Dorsey shouldn’t be in there at all.

My list, if succombing to this, would be Schnellenberger, Irvin, Ed Reed, and Jerome Brown. Vinny never won a national title, I believe the only name brand QB at Miami to never do so. Dorsey was not the real leader on those teams, Reed was. As much as I loved Kenny boy, and boy did I love him, especially once Brock took the helm, he could’ve arguably been replaced by any QB in the country who had great smarts. He was surrounded by the most talented offense in the country for three years, and also had a fantastic defense for short fields, playing with early leads, etc.

As for Jerome, anyone who can lay claim to the two best ever Miami anecdotes will always make it on my list. (“Ja-may-al, come out and paaa-lay-yay,” Brown taunted, “Come on out, Ja-may-al!”  and “Did the Japanese go sit down and have dinner with Pearl Harbor before they bombed them?” Muwahahahaha.)

Apologies to Ted Hendricks, who was notably awesome (3 time All American, considered one of the best defensive players ever), but I just don’t know enough about him to add him to the list. The Mad Stork was past my time.

Michael Barrow moved to Defensive Assistant

Back when Michael also used to "assist" the defense

In a slightly surprising move, Randy has “promoted” LB coach Michael Barrow to the role of Defensive Assistant. Nice. Barrow now will be able to focus on other general tasks, and here’s hoping he just goes out and recruits non stop the entire season, and this is a figure head title for him. New DC John Lovett will take over the LB job. Seems Lovett was pissed he was a Defensive Assistant for all those years under Butch, and it’s time for someone else to ride the pine for awhile. Barrow is the odd man out.

This pretty much opens the door wide open for uber-recruiter Clint Hurtt to become the next DC when Lovett steps down, or decides he can’t resist going back to his alma mater, C.W. Post College.

Sam Shields moved to DB

Man I miss these sick jerseys.

Relatively fresh news out of the Miami off season camp, with the annoucement Sam Shields will be moved to the defensive side of the ball. Word has it Randy sees the depleted secondary, the enormous talent and depth at the WR position, and saw this one as a no brainer.

I like the move as well. Shields is 6′0” 186, so he instantly transforms from undersized WR to oversized DB. Add in the fact he will be a senior, and he should be able to pick up the new position quicker than most. Shields played great last year on special teams, and isn’t defense the closest thing we got to special teams?

Les Grossman on Bryce Brown Saga

With all the news of Miami rescinding Bryce Brown’s scholarship offer once it expired yesterday, we here at Anton Azucar decided it would be a great time to get the input from close friend of the program, Hollywood mogul Les Grossman. Not many in the movie biz, or college football for that matter, know that Les actually grew up in the South Florida area. A graduate of Miami Beach Senior High in 1974, Les actually went there back when it was cool, with the likes of Andy Garcia and Mickey Rourke. Onto the questions.

Anton Azucar: Les, thank you for doing this interview via BlackBerry.

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell on with it before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…wait, who am I talking to? This isn’t Deco Drive? (audible whispers from assistant). Oh…..Anything for my hometown team, Anton. Sometimes we forget all the little people, the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives, when we reach the top.

AA: Uh, right. Thanks. First off Les, what are your thoughts on how Randy Shannon is doing?

LG: Fucking fantastic. Someone has to treat the little people like the expendable pieces of shit they are.

AA: What do you make of this whole Bryce Brown saga playing out?

LG: Fuck the Bible Belt! Jesus worshiping Helots. They all fucking suck!

AA: Um, Brown is listed as the #1 recruit out of Rivals. Are you serious Les?

LG: The fuck? Rivals? You call ME begging for an interview, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get linked to some real blog, all so you can be called the 3rd runner-up “Hurricanes blog” of 2009… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?

Look here. We all know all the best talent comes out of South Florida. That’s physics. It’s inevitable. The universe….it’s talking to Randy right now. He just has to listen. [Les heard turning on Flo Rider's "Low" in the background] See, this is the good part, fuckstick. This is when the job gets fun! Can you feel me dancing through my BlackBerry? Can you feel it? Randy needs to tell all these local high school coaches, “you play ball…we play ball. I knowwwwww, you want the goodies!” You paying attention South Florida high school coaches? I’m talking…G5 fuckstick! That’s how these coaches can roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for Randy or his staff. I have his back. (pause) Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Randy gonna be an Big Dick playa! Big dick, baby!

AA: Uh, moving on. So I take it you’re not a fan of Brian Butler, who seems to be calling all the shots?

LG: Look here. This is what I would do if I was Randy Shannon. Got Butler on the phone? Great. Tell him this. “You want a new scholarship to be faxed over? Hold on, let me get this down. New scholarship, no expiration date, sent to Wichita, Kansas… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a new scholarship offer, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?” Then, Randy kills him. Does his thing, skins the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. GO TO TOWN!

AA: Um, uh, that is a very unique perspective. I’m sure coaches in the future will be happy with that result, actually. Les, do you think the NCAA should institute an early signing period for recruits?

LG: Absofuckinglutely. Absofuckinglutely. Anytime you can legally entangle great talent in a web of bullshit legal jargon and contracts, you fucking do it.

AA: Les, what are your predictions for the upcoming year? Have you seen the slate Miami is faced with to open their season?

LG: What they gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Seminoles in the opener? Spank it. Oklahoma at home? Spank it. ACC schedule? Spank it. You catchin’ my drift here fuck stick?

AA: Yes, sure am Les. (beat) Les, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions today. You are a great friend to the program.

LG: No problem. MBSH Class of ‘74. That fat fuck Rourke is gonna owe me big time come Sunday. He can go on another 10 year bender after what I’ve done for him. Wait, what’s your name again?

AA: Anton Azucar.

LG: What the fuck kinda name is that? You a fucking sugar cube? I don’t fucking get it. Listen. A nutless monkey could do your job. Seriously.

AA: Well, Les, it does take some talent to do this-

LG: Nutless. Monkey. Now, go get drunk and get massive hits. Go Canes.

AA: Uh, thanks, Les. Until next time.

Bruce Feldman comments on the schedule

I forgot to post this yesterday, but for any of you who didnt see, good ole Bruce feldman gave his take on Miami’s daunting schedules in his chat Friday.

Anton (Fort Lauderdale, FL): Bruce, what do you think of Miami’s murderous opening stretch of games next year? (FSU and Va Tech on the road, Ga Tech and Oklahoma at home). On paper, their overall schedule, after throwing in UNC and South Florida, is the hardest overall ACC schedule I’ve ever seen.

 Bruce Feldman: It is brutal. It’ll be the roughest start of any program in the last 7-8 years. But not the toughest ever. I’ll have more on that later today in my blog. Good thing for UM Jacory Harris is solid at QB, but the O-line is a big question mark and how will new DC John Lovett get that run defense together and can he get some plays out of those young DBs?

Damn. Bruce tore me a new one on the toughest ACC schedule proclamation. However, it looks like Bruce and I are becoming fast friends. Me, him, and Jose Yero are going to have to catch a fleek together, maybe heet a deesco.

Bryce Brown (Lack of) Drama

Update: Head on over to my new blog location after your stop here: AntonAzucar.com

The reason I have not thrown my opinion into this ring yet is because I just don’t care. And this is not your typical message board themed hatred of “Fuck him if he doesn’t want to come to the U! We’ll kick his ass!” variety. I don’t care where Bryce Brown ends up. If he comes to Miami, I will be extremely happy. He is the #1 recruit out of Rivals. There is no denying his talent. Acquiring talent is good business. However, there is also no denying his lack of mental aptitude; this guy seems like a total headcase.

He is most likely being pulled in multiple directions, receiving input from his “handler,” let alone whatever big bro Arthur has been telling him about Coral Gables. Originally, after the first fasting last winter, it was Miami. Then Oregon was added in the mix. Then USC. Then Tennessee. Now LSU. If he ends up honoring his “commitment” to Miami, and he takes off for his first 20 yard burst through the middle from Big Whip’s newly designed O, we will forget all about this.

Bryce Brown looks to be an ideal fit for the Chip Kelly led Oregon Offense. Their team of two years ago was incredible, with Dennis Dixon and Jonathon Stewart running roughshod to a highly probable national title before Dixon’s knee gave out. Brown would flourish in that offense, and especially against those Pac-10 defenses. Not that the ACC has stalwart wrecking crews, but they produce more NFL talent across the board.

Lets also not discount the fact Miami is loaded at the RB position. Cooper and James come back with plenty of experience. Lee Chambers had a mini coming out party in the Emerald Bowl. Add in to the mix Lamar Miller, considered one of the best in the true talent rich area of Dade, and I have zero interest in worrying where Brown ends up.

The best part that will come out of this is next year, when the next ego maniac decides to wait a month after signing day to decide, the NCAA will enact a rule to force kids to sign during a specific time period. And if they somehow see the light and grant an early signing period as well, we will all thank the Bryce Brown’s and Terrell Pryor’s of the world who made it all happen.

Of course, if Bryce Brown goes to Oregon, performs like Adrian Peterson in year one, I will look like a total douche.

2009 Schedule Follow Up

We want to go to there

After sitting on this, I’ve come to realize this is a horribly unfair schedule, relative to the conference. The ACC must hate affirmative action. They must be in cahoots with The Man. This is worse than the original reference to Murder Incorporated. This is Captain Willard realizing he has to kill Colonel Kurtz. He doesn’t want to. He loves the guy. Admires him. Respects him. Wishes he could serve under him. But orders are orders, and dems da breaks. We can’t all slide through life as a snail on a razor blade.

Nah, I keed, I keed. Kurtz wanted to die.

In actuality, this is a fantastic opportunity. Miami can regain some huge national exposure from doing well early on. Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be writing off this young and raw group with two newly hired coordinators. This team wasn’t going undefeated anyways. Randy can band the entire team around this schedule and low preseason expectations. Hopefully we can see a whole season reminiscent of the 2005 Va Tech game. Total beat downs from unsuspecting opponents and national media.

The real problem is for the Canes fans. For the next 6 months, I don’t know if Miami will start 0-4, and have a totally lost season come the first week of October, or be 3-1 and sitting pretty in both the ACC and national title race. Miami can go 6-6 next year, look light years ahead of this past season, and no one outside of South Florida will realize it. But, you know what? I want these big games. I want to be the talk of the preseason. High risk, high reward thing. Miami is getting back to the great OoC opponents in the coming years: home and homes with Ohio State, Nebraska, Pittsburgh, Kansas State, and Cincinnati, with the second half of the Florida contract still to come as well.

Well, there is only one logical conclusion. The ACC must not want one of its two marquee programs in the title game. I guess they like being the laughing stock of the country, namely the BCS Big 6. When Va Tech and BC play to 5,000 people, and ABC has to crop their wide shots for 3+ hours to hide it, they must all chuckle in their booth, loving the fact they are paid to endorse this atrocious shit.

All roads lead to Tampa.

2009 Football Schedule Official

The ACC officially announced the 2009 Football Schedule for all 12 teams. Everyone plan your road trips accordingly.

Miami

Sept. 7 at Florida State (ESPN)

Sept. 17 Georgia Tech (ESPN)

Sept. 26 at Virginia Tech

Oct. 3 Oklahoma

Oct. 10 Florida A&M

Oct. 17 at Central Florida

Oct. 24 Clemson

Oct. 31 at Wake Forest

Nov. 7 Virginia

Nov. 14 at North Carolina

Nov. 21 Duke

Nov. 28 at South Florida

 

Miami will be playing a Murderer’s Row right out the gate. Opener against FSU on the road, followed with Ga Tech at home, and then Va Tech in Blacksburg. Oh, you don’t like opening  a season with 3 conference games that can kill any hopes of a conference title by September 26th? Well, here’s Oklahoma for your first Out of Conference slate! Muwahahahahahaha. This is something even Hyman Roth would hesitate at. Running molasses out of Canada? No problem compared to those first 4 games.

Miami needs to win 2 of the 3 opening ACC tilts to have any chance of a conference crown. In fact, this may be the most difficult schedule, on paper, for an ACC team that I have ever seen. True, that isn’t saying much, but still. This is not your typical cake walk ACC season.

The obvious benefit here is if they can just go 3-1 to start, they will be sitting in great shape. Would have tie-breakers over many of the top teams next year in conference, and probably in the top 15 nationally depending on who they lost to. However, I’d probably be happy with 2-2, if one of the losses was to OU, leaving them 2-1 in conference play. If they go any worse, I’m afraid we will need to call in Frank Pantangeli’s brother over in Sicily to get us out of that mess.