Peace out WordPress.com bitches!

WordPress.com has been fun, but it’s time to move on. Pay your last respects, because this hot high school hottie at your 10 year reunion has STD written all over it.

AntonAzucar.com here we come!

Everyone who subscribes, all six or seven of you, please update now.

They breed them young.

I’m off to Atlanta for some debauchery this weekend, so I’ll leave you with this monstrosity.

Found this bad lad while buying CDs for the first time in years at Best Buy. Dear God. Someone, please, make it stop.

Seeing how I would never put my hard earned sub teaching dollars for purchasing something of this nature, I can only imagine what they subscribe to the new parent with Florida fandom running through their veins. Perhaps a Baby Chomp? Or a “Go Gators!” chant? Baby Jorts? Or maybe a Baby AK-47 comes included with the DVD, and your toddler can lay waste to parking lot air space to intimidate other toddlers in pre-school who dare grow up to be Seminole fans?

The DVD details:

You love your kids, you love your family, and you love your University of Florida Gators®! Now you can combine them all with this exciting Team Baby Entertainment DVD. This DVD features officially licensed NCAA footage of Gator sports, highlighting the marching band and campus attractions, along with the sights, sounds, traditions, and colors of the Florida Gators®. BABY Gator® combines all the great things you love about the University of Florida, with all the things you want your lil’toddler to learn – numbers, letters, colors and more.  Featuring the music from the Fightin’ Gator Marching Band, “Pride of The Sunshine”, as well as original footage of the “Gator Kids”, BABY Gator® is the ideal way to raise tomorrow’s fans today! Makes a great gift!

Watch together… cheer together… learn together. Raising Tomorrow’s Florida Fan Today!

What they forgot to mention was that your toddlers becoming Gator Fans this early will max out their intelligence level with this DVD.

Public schools really do have too much money. Of course, if Miami did one of these, you’d have Baby “It’s All About this U,” Baby Piss in a Cup and Throw it, and Baby “Fuck You Seminoles” chants.

This is gaining enough national news again that I’ll hit the well once more. Larry Coker is a finalist for the UTSA head coaching position.

I’ve gone over this before, but UT-San Antonio, if you know what is good for the longevity of your program, make haste with this Okie and scratch him off your list. His record does not speak for his abilities. Well, if you only take his past two years at Miami, then yes, it is right on.

You have a great D2 candidate in NW Missouri State HC Mel Tjeerdsma, who has won two D2 titles (‘98, ‘99), and finished 2nd thee times (‘05, ‘06, ‘07). This guy literally built that program. The Missouri Governor wanted to turn to school into a freeway before he got there! And you are considering hiring Larry?

As the great Dana Marschz once said, “It’s a slippery slope… beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, hiring Larry Coker, chicks with dicks, then jail!”

This is your final warning UTSA.

ESPN should just shut down its college football site after signing day. Conserve salaries and hosting space, like GM getting rid of all their clocks. That way, they wouldn’t feel the need to do an arbitrary selection like this for every team in the country.

That said, the final list from Heather Dinich over at the ACC blog, was the following: Howard Schnellenberger, Michael Irvin, Vinny Testaverde, and Ken Dorsey.

Ok, Howard and Irvin are the obvious no brainers. The man who literally built the program, and the most recognizable Cane of all time. However, Testaverde and Dorsey are stretches for me, and Dorsey shouldn’t be in there at all.

My list, if succombing to this, would be Schnellenberger, Irvin, Ed Reed, and Jerome Brown. Vinny never won a national title, I believe the only name brand QB at Miami to never do so. Dorsey was not the real leader on those teams, Reed was. As much as I loved Kenny boy, and boy did I love him, especially once Brock took the helm, he could’ve arguably been replaced by any QB in the country who had great smarts. He was surrounded by the most talented offense in the country for three years, and also had a fantastic defense for short fields, playing with early leads, etc.

As for Jerome, anyone who can lay claim to the two best ever Miami anecdotes will always make it on my list. (“Ja-may-al, come out and paaa-lay-yay,” Brown taunted, “Come on out, Ja-may-al!”  and “Did the Japanese go sit down and have dinner with Pearl Harbor before they bombed them?” Muwahahahaha.)

Apologies to Ted Hendricks, who was notably awesome (3 time All American, considered one of the best defensive players ever), but I just don’t know enough about him to add him to the list. The Mad Stork was past my time.

With all the news of Miami rescinding Bryce Brown’s scholarship offer once it expired yesterday, we here at Anton Azucar decided it would be a great time to get the input from close friend of the program, Hollywood mogul Les Grossman. Not many in the movie biz, or college football for that matter, know that Les actually grew up in the South Florida area. A graduate of Miami Beach Senior High in 1974, Les actually went there back when it was cool, with the likes of Andy Garcia and Mickey Rourke. Onto the questions.

Anton Azucar: Les, thank you for doing this interview via BlackBerry.

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell on with it before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…wait, who am I talking to? This isn’t Deco Drive? (audible whispers from assistant). Oh…..Anything for my hometown team, Anton. Sometimes we forget all the little people, the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives, when we reach the top.

AA: Uh, right. Thanks. First off Les, what are your thoughts on how Randy Shannon is doing?

LG: Fucking fantastic. Someone has to treat the little people like the expendable pieces of shit they are.

AA: What do you make of this whole Bryce Brown saga playing out?

LG: Fuck the Bible Belt! Jesus worshiping Helots. They all fucking suck!

AA: Um, Brown is listed as the #1 recruit out of Rivals. Are you serious Les?

LG: The fuck? Rivals? You call ME begging for an interview, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get linked to some real blog, all so you can be called the 3rd runner-up “Hurricanes blog” of 2009… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?

Look here. We all know all the best talent comes out of South Florida. That’s physics. It’s inevitable. The universe….it’s talking to Randy right now. He just has to listen. [Les heard turning on Flo Rider's "Low" in the background] See, this is the good part, fuckstick. This is when the job gets fun! Can you feel me dancing through my BlackBerry? Can you feel it? Randy needs to tell all these local high school coaches, “you play ball…we play ball. I knowwwwww, you want the goodies!” You paying attention South Florida high school coaches? I’m talking…G5 fuckstick! That’s how these coaches can roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for Randy or his staff. I have his back. (pause) Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Randy gonna be an Big Dick playa! Big dick, baby!

AA: Uh, moving on. So I take it you’re not a fan of Brian Butler, who seems to be calling all the shots?

LG: Look here. This is what I would do if I was Randy Shannon. Got Butler on the phone? Great. Tell him this. “You want a new scholarship to be faxed over? Hold on, let me get this down. New scholarship, no expiration date, sent to Wichita, Kansas… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a new scholarship offer, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?” Then, Randy kills him. Does his thing, skins the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. GO TO TOWN!

AA: Um, uh, that is a very unique perspective. I’m sure coaches in the future will be happy with that result, actually. Les, do you think the NCAA should institute an early signing period for recruits?

LG: Absofuckinglutely. Absofuckinglutely. Anytime you can legally entangle great talent in a web of bullshit legal jargon and contracts, you fucking do it.

AA: Les, what are your predictions for the upcoming year? Have you seen the slate Miami is faced with to open their season?

LG: What they gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Seminoles in the opener? Spank it. Oklahoma at home? Spank it. ACC schedule? Spank it. You catchin’ my drift here fuck stick?

AA: Yes, sure am Les. (beat) Les, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions today. You are a great friend to the program.

LG: No problem. MBSH Class of ‘74. That fat fuck Rourke is gonna owe me big time come Sunday. He can go on another 10 year bender after what I’ve done for him. Wait, what’s your name again?

AA: Anton Azucar.

LG: What the fuck kinda name is that? You a fucking sugar cube? I don’t fucking get it. Listen. A nutless monkey could do your job. Seriously.

AA: Well, Les, it does take some talent to do this-

LG: Nutless. Monkey. Now, go get drunk and get massive hits. Go Canes.

AA: Uh, thanks, Les. Until next time.

I forgot to post this yesterday, but for any of you who didnt see, good ole Bruce feldman gave his take on Miami’s daunting schedules in his chat Friday.

Anton (Fort Lauderdale, FL): Bruce, what do you think of Miami’s murderous opening stretch of games next year? (FSU and Va Tech on the road, Ga Tech and Oklahoma at home). On paper, their overall schedule, after throwing in UNC and South Florida, is the hardest overall ACC schedule I’ve ever seen.

 Bruce Feldman: It is brutal. It’ll be the roughest start of any program in the last 7-8 years. But not the toughest ever. I’ll have more on that later today in my blog. Good thing for UM Jacory Harris is solid at QB, but the O-line is a big question mark and how will new DC John Lovett get that run defense together and can he get some plays out of those young DBs?

Damn. Bruce tore me a new one on the toughest ACC schedule proclamation. However, it looks like Bruce and I are becoming fast friends. Me, him, and Jose Yero are going to have to catch a fleek together, maybe heet a deesco.

The Miami Herald is reporting that the Canes will hire UNC Defensive Assistant John Lovett as their next Defensive Coordinator. Lovett came to UNC with Butch Davis, and was also the Special Teams Coordinator.

This is definitely a suprise hire by Randy, one not many saw coming. Perhaps he liked what he had with Bill Young. The well-traveled assistant, someone not looking to go anywhere, with loads of experience to teach young players. At the same time, Lovett is 58, was not the DC under Butch Davis, and has not been a coordinator since 2006 with Bowling Green. He does have 18 years experience running a defense, however, including stints in the SEC with Auburn and Mississippi. This guy isn’t green.

I’m actually more excited about what he can bring to the Special Teams play. If Miami can start consistently putting kickoffs past the 15 yard line (please?), block some kicks, and increase their return average by even 10 net yards, it will do wonders for the still growing offense. A defense with studs all over can run itself. Unless you’re Patrick Nix.

(whispers) Kirby, go talk to Donna, get me some money for a DC!

Lost in all the Mark Whipple and National Signing Day hoopla is that fact Miami is still without a Defensive Coordinator. Rumors are that the vault is empty, Randy will have to handle the duties, all because there is no more money to get a big name DC.  Some might think us Canes fans are in a desperate situation. Not one to let any restrictions hinder his search, Athletic Director Kirby Hocutt has decided to bring in a consultant, one who has experienced more than his share of money troubles with an owner (or president), and is not afraid to say what others may not.

Lou Brown: Hocutt! Gimme all your requirements goddamit! I need to know what I’m looking for.

Kirby: Well, Lou, we want someone who runs the Cover 2 Base defense, blitzes rarely, utilizing the front four to put all the pressure, and can pin their ears back once we get a two touchdown lead.

LB: Well, shit. I know a great guy. Knew him back in my days in Cleveland. You might of heard of him, Bob Stoops? He wasn’t much of a career climber. He’s probably still washing cars in the off-season up there in Youngstown, earn a couple extra bucks.

KH: Uh, Lou, Bob Stoops is the head coach of Oklahoma. Has been for over 10 years.

LB: Well, shit. I knew I shouldn’t have moved to London once Taylor took my job. I was doing that sack of shit catcher a favor!

KH: And Lou, we sort of have a budget concern with our Defensive Coordinator hire. We broke the bank on Mark Whipple, and need to keep this one on the lower end of the scale.

LB: No problem Hocutt. I have a great idea. Check out this sketch I just made to scrap together some funds.

Don't Hire a DC without it!

LB: You like it Hocutt? Randy hocking AMEX! You’re sitting on a goldmine here!

KH: Uh, Lou, I don’t think Randy will be OK with this idea. Maybe we can just re-direct some funds from the tennis and diving teams. They run a surplus every few years. President Shalala has been very adamant about not overspending on the coordinators.

LB: Forget about the curve ball Hocutt, give Shalala the heater!

KH: Well, I don’t know Lou. She can be pretty intimidating.

LB: Come on Hocutt, get in front of the damn woman! Don’t give me this “olé” bullshit! Go in there, walk right past her lady secretary, and tell her you are bringing in whoever you damn please! And you’re gonna wine and dine ‘em! Show ‘em the town! Automatic Slims! Mango’s! Monty’s Raw Bar in the Grove!

KH: Lou, I can’t do that. President Shalala insisted no overspending. I can’t take someone out to South Beach, let alone Monty’s. Maybe we can do Chicken Kitchen, but only if I pay.

LB: Chicken Kitchen?! I’ve had it with this nickel and dime shit! I want that bitch on the phone!

KH: Lou, this isn’t a good idea-

LB: Hocutt. Look here. Try this. Throw this in front of your boosters. It worked for me before.

KH: Lou, that is sick. You are a dirty old man. President Shalala has been nothing but supportive to the football team.

(pause)

KH: Lou, this might have been a bad idea bringing you in, maybe we should just leave it at that, go our separate ways…

LB: You don’t wise up and listen to me Hocutt, and guess who’ll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks! You’re from Ohio, right? I hear the other Miami is hiring. You ever think of going back there for a few? I have connections up there. You and Dorn can tag team some third rate hookers out on Lake Erie for all I care!

(pause)

KH: I’ll get back to you on this Lou. Thanks for your advice.

LB: (sighs) Oh, no problem Kirby. (pause) But hey, I figure we ought to hang out together for a while today and see if we can give all those stuck up Coral Gables people a nice big shitburger to eat! Whaddaya say Kirb?”

KH: Uh…I have to go now Lou…I’ll have our secretary get you your check.

LB: Well, alright Hocutt! Now you’re talking. I love this Coral Gables shit! I just might move here!

Nuh-uh! Who wants to interview me?! RoadRunners? Nooo! For realsies??

Looks like someone else wants to kill their program. Texas-San Antonio does realize they don’t get to start with someone else’s players, right? They don’t get dozens of NFL draft picks to mooch off of for 4 years, yes? Well, maybe not.

Lets see. If they start in D1-AA, which is the usual course of action for a new program, I see them going, oh, 0-12, for the first 5 years. But as long as they don’t get into an on the field altercation, the Okie will still man the ship! I keed, I keed.

Seriously now. How can any program look at Larry Coker with a straight face? How can you not see behind his fantastic record (60-15)? Especially when his own school saw right through it, even though it took them about two years too late. When you have this as your resume: 35 straight wins, an .800 winning percentage, one national title, one title game loss, 3 BCS bowl appearances, 3 conference titles, owning both your in-state rivals, and you’re still fired after six years?

I fear for the Athletic Director’s sanity.

You official yet? No? Yank the offer Giff!

Ga Tech HC Paul Johnson did what probably all D1 guys want to do. He took back a scholarship to a player that was verbally committed. Never mind the fact this choice of school will literally determine the outcome of this guy’s entire life. Paul Johnson doesn’t give a shit. Or that he was a dual threat QB, the one position Johnson needs to start competing for national titles. Nope, Paul Johnson still doesn’t care. You want to take the scenic route up from Tampa to Atlanta, maybe stop off for a day, see the beauty of Augusta? Again, no teardrop from ole Paulie. You just better be there on time, like you verbally contractually obligated yourself to do.

I am actually fine with this practice. In the old days of recruiting, players were more or less off limits once they gave a verbal. You didn’t have all this useless hat changing, or any handlers. However, this is America, where someone staying at a job for 2 years is cause for questioning from friends why they haven’t moved on yet. You’re open season until you’re not. All’s fair, etc. Miami is still up for the #1 Rivals recruit because Randy don’t give a shit as well, in his own way. He will take anyone, headaches and all. He, like Urban Meyer, or Pete Carroll, all know you have to deal with the egos if you want to win titles.

I’m not saying Paul Johnson won’t take Ga Tech to that level using this practice. He’s a fantastic coach in a relatively easy BCS conference. Dontae Aycock, the recruit in question, decided to switch because even he knows you don’t make the league playing QB for an option team. He went to Auburn to play RB. His high school coach even told him not to de-commit.

Then again, when you spend $805,342 on recruiting, maybe you earn the right to not give a shit.