With all the news of Miami rescinding Bryce Brown’s scholarship offer once it expired yesterday, we here at Anton Azucar decided it would be a great time to get the input from close friend of the program, Hollywood mogul Les Grossman. Not many in the movie biz, or college football for that matter, know that Les actually grew up in the South Florida area. A graduate of Miami Beach Senior High in 1974, Les actually went there back when it was cool, with the likes of Andy Garcia and Mickey Rourke. Onto the questions.
Anton Azucar: Les, thank you for doing this interview via BlackBerry.
Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell on with it before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…wait, who am I talking to? This isn’t Deco Drive? (audible whispers from assistant). Oh…..Anything for my hometown team, Anton. Sometimes we forget all the little people, the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives, when we reach the top.
AA: Uh, right. Thanks. First off Les, what are your thoughts on how Randy Shannon is doing?
LG: Fucking fantastic. Someone has to treat the little people like the expendable pieces of shit they are.
AA: What do you make of this whole Bryce Brown saga playing out?
LG: Fuck the Bible Belt! Jesus worshiping Helots. They all fucking suck!
AA: Um, Brown is listed as the #1 recruit out of Rivals. Are you serious Les?
LG: The fuck? Rivals? You call ME begging for an interview, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get linked to some real blog, all so you can be called the 3rd runner-up “Hurricanes blog” of 2009… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?
Look here. We all know all the best talent comes out of South Florida. That’s physics. It’s inevitable. The universe….it’s talking to Randy right now. He just has to listen. [Les heard turning on Flo Rider's "Low" in the background] See, this is the good part, fuckstick. This is when the job gets fun! Can you feel me dancing through my BlackBerry? Can you feel it? Randy needs to tell all these local high school coaches, “you play ball…we play ball. I knowwwwww, you want the goodies!” You paying attention South Florida high school coaches? I’m talking…G5 fuckstick! That’s how these coaches can roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for Randy or his staff. I have his back. (pause) Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Randy gonna be an Big Dick playa! Big dick, baby!
AA: Uh, moving on. So I take it you’re not a fan of Brian Butler, who seems to be calling all the shots?
LG: Look here. This is what I would do if I was Randy Shannon. Got Butler on the phone? Great. Tell him this. “You want a new scholarship to be faxed over? Hold on, let me get this down. New scholarship, no expiration date, sent to Wichita, Kansas… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a new scholarship offer, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?” Then, Randy kills him. Does his thing, skins the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. GO TO TOWN!
AA: Um, uh, that is a very unique perspective. I’m sure coaches in the future will be happy with that result, actually. Les, do you think the NCAA should institute an early signing period for recruits?
LG: Absofuckinglutely. Absofuckinglutely. Anytime you can legally entangle great talent in a web of bullshit legal jargon and contracts, you fucking do it.
AA: Les, what are your predictions for the upcoming year? Have you seen the slate Miami is faced with to open their season?
LG: What they gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Seminoles in the opener? Spank it. Oklahoma at home? Spank it. ACC schedule? Spank it. You catchin’ my drift here fuck stick?
AA: Yes, sure am Les. (beat) Les, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions today. You are a great friend to the program.
LG: No problem. MBSH Class of ‘74. That fat fuck Rourke is gonna owe me big time come Sunday. He can go on another 10 year bender after what I’ve done for him. Wait, what’s your name again?
AA: Anton Azucar.
LG: What the fuck kinda name is that? You a fucking sugar cube? I don’t fucking get it. Listen. A nutless monkey could do your job. Seriously.
AA: Well, Les, it does take some talent to do this-
LG: Nutless. Monkey. Now, go get drunk and get massive hits. Go Canes.
AA: Uh, thanks, Les. Until next time.
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