Tommy Tuberville as Potential DC

This one is so illogical, so dumbfounding, so incomprehensible……

Wait a second….phone transcript coming in over the AP wire….

Tommy Tuberville: ‘Ello?

Randy Shannon: Tommmmeeeeee!! What’s going on?

TT: Randyyyyyyyyyy!!! What’s up my brother from anotha motha?! (pause) Oh, you know, nothing much.

RR: You busy?

TT: Well….yeah, Randy, I kind of am-

RR: Tommy, hold it right there. Did I ever tell you the studs I have on my defense? Look at this list of guys. Look!

TT: That’s great Randy, I remember the kids we used to get down there in the ’80’s with Jimmy, but…like I said…I’m kind of busy right now-

RR: Tommy-did you say Jimmy? What a coincidence! I have him on speaker right here! (whispers into Jimmy Johnson’s ear).

Jimmy Johnson: Huh-what! Randy, goddamit, you said I could borrow your car to drive down to the Keys. I have this week off you know!

TT: Jimmy! Hey! But Randy, what’s this all about? I’m pretty busy up here.

RR: Well, Tommy, you might of heard, but….

JJ: Randy! I’m out! Tubs-adios! Randy-I’ll have the car back by Super Bowl Sunday!

RR: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. No problem coach. (Door slams). Uh, Tommy, like I was saying, we, you know, sort of, have an opening-

TT: Randy-you’re not giving me your smug cocky face over the phone are you??

RR: (blushes) What! No! Never to you Tubs! (uncomfortable pause) So, yeah, Tommy, about that open spot….aren’t you hurting for money a little bit now that Auburn let you go?

TT: Hahaha! Hell no! And as part of my severance they gave me my own transportation service. And it’s Green. I just have to feed it bananas every twenty minutes. (pause) Randy… (laughter) wait-are you asking me to come be your Defensive Coordinator? As in, I’d be under you?

RR: Uh……well….

(inaudible laughter over receiver, hard to decipher words)

(30 seconds pass)

RR: So….anyways Tommy….can I count you in?

TT: (stifling laughter) Randy….(more laughter)….Randy, uh, I’m kind of busy. I need to clean up my yard. I haven’t been back there since the Iron Bowl. How about a rain check on that thought, and I’ll get back to ya?

RR: (sighs) Yeah, ok. That’s fine. Talk to you later.

TT: Ok, great Randy. Good talking to you. Bye.

(They both hang up the phone. )

TT: (quiet laughter) Whew. Man, that Randy! Always a jokester!

(Phone rings)

TT: ‘Ello?

Lane Kiffin: Is this Tommy Tuberville? Former Head Coach of….(whispers) fuck, where is it….former Head Coach of Auburn?

TT: Yes. Who is this?

LK: This is Lane Kiffin. I’d like to offer you a spot on my staff as Second Assistant  Secondary Coach. Interested?

TT: Wait….Kiffin…Kiffin…the little fucker who just got hired at Tennessee? And is bringing in all that coaching talent so even he can’t fuck it all up? Who hasn’t proven jack-shit and just replaced a close friend of mine with a national title? That Lane Kiffin?

LK: Yessir. That’s me.

TT: How much we talking here? I’m kind of busy right now.

LK: $1.25 million.

TT: Where do I sign?

(end transcript)

Lets review:

There is no way in the name of The Judge that Tubs comes to a private school for a step down career wise. This guy just spent that past 14 years at public schools, in the SEC, which also have no NFL teams. And he’s going to come to Miami? Favors and past lives do not count for that much in life. Let’s all move on now, please.