I made the short trek to the debauchery known as South Beach last night, after my customary 500m, “I’m gonna smoke yo ass in my fake triathlon” nightly swims, to seek out the best CFB blogger, bar none….one Orson Swindle, of Every Day Should Be Saturday fame. He has been giving updates on his Sporting News daily writings, and I knew he should be in the SoBe area the last night before the big game.
First stop was Mango’s, on Ocean Drive. Uh, nevermind. Walked up, saw they were charging an outrageous 100% markup on their already ridiculous$5 cover, looked inside, saw the most over 40 OU clad males I’ve ever seen under one roof, and kept walking.
Next stop, Wet Willies. Although a few mere blocks from my previous searching point, the trek took me at least ten solid minutes, due to me having to walk through the “Boomer!…..Sooner!” category 2 sound waves that were being created at every single bar, restaurant, and intersection. I felt like Billy Mays in his wind tunnel. And my pores probably have OKCverbal stank abuse in them today.
Made it to Wet Willy’s in tact. Still no sight of Orson. Are you not wearing your glasses so I can’t find you?! I need to talk intelligent footbaw! Give you my incredible, fantastic, better than any other hundredth douche bag version of a playoff system!
Had some friends in town from NYC, OU grads, albeit part of the 1 percentile not clad in Nike OU gear. Do these people seriously only bring officially licensed team apparel bought at Football Fanatics? Unreal. This is South Beach people! Show some class! Break out those multi-colored golf polos we all know you save for your “special occasions,” or grandma’s birthday, “but only if we go to her place this year.”
Elma! I knew we forgot to pack something!
Wet Willy’s was packed by the time I arrived, no entrada, line around the corner. This is like spring break at the Grove back at UM. We live here people! We deserve to get inside, pronto! I don’t care if this is your spring break, or your title game! I don’t want to pay a cover or wait for a place that is mine! So, anyways, off to Automatic Slims, away from the tourist strip. I was starting to think my hope of locating one Orson Swindle was losing steam, and fast.
On the relatively short walk over, I was trying to locate someone in a Jason White jersey, to validate a claim I was wearing one to another non-present friend. Realized it would be even better to be seen in a Rhett Bomar jersey, and adjusted my search accordingly. Negative on both fronts. Seems OU fans just don’t have a sense of humor.
Automatic Slims was as expected….no mob of OU/UF fans talking shit at each other. In other words…walked right in, no ID check, no cover, walked up to the bar, Long Island (I know, I’m loco!!!), hit the bathroom while drink was dispensed, no wait, drink waiting when I returned. If I was rich I would’ve paid PTA to film the entire sequence in one of his incredible long takes, it was so fucking awesome.
Orson where are you?? We're filming here!
Decided all hope was lost. Wasn’t going to keep bar hopping in hopes of finding one man, who probably was staked out near the Gator’s up in Hollywood. My searching for the night was over. Stayed until 4:30am, didn’t feel too hot this morning, had a cleansing reminiscent of my Snickers Ice Cream Bar fiasco, and then was good.
One might think I am an OU hater with all this bashing, but far from it. Not an OU fan per se, more a Stoops fan, ever since his days as UF’s DC. So, I will most definitely be rooting for OUfor that reason, but more so for Miami’s benefit. We need this Urban Meyer guy stopped. He can’t be let aground any longer. He will pillage the country soon enough if we let him, per Sherman’s orders, and by that point no one can stop him. It’s close to that point already. It’s all up to you Bobby. Unfortunately, it won’t happen.
UF 38, OU 27
