Sehorn for Six!

Ah. My favorite white player. Hated by so many people.

Even looks great posing.

Which only made me love him more. We’re talking the one time USC grad, Jason “I can’t cover for shit” Sehorn. Still, I fucking loved ‘em. Freak of nature, relative to his skin color. Played safety in college. Corner in his prime in NFL. Made the most ridiculous interception return for 6 in the playoffs. Fucking returned an on-side kick for a touchdown. However, still lots of homo to go around. But that’s what happens when you’re from California. Douche comes with the territory.

Let this be the first of many posts of my illustrious variety of action figures. Overall, I am a fucking fiend for McFarlane figures. Extremely realistic, perfect poses, come out with a new line every season for most sports. Sehorn was my first, and my only, for a long time. Look at that man child, all gorgeous, flicking away that imaginary football from some slot receiver (if it was a split end he’d be on the tail end of a deep ball). I even love the military McFarlane figures. Those are the real bad ass ones. Fucking detail to die for. But I won’t order any because 1) they are a bitch to find in stores and 2) they random skin tone selection my ass if ordered online. Are you fucking kidding me!? Why don’t you just write I’m racist in big black bold lettering with a sharpie on my box?

I seriously can’t pick the skin color of my guy? If I want a fucking black mine sweeper, that’s what I want! If I want a white sniper, covered in actual leaf camo, I should get it. I don’t want to be randomly selectioned, affirmative actioned, into getting a god damn mexican paratrooper, just so we can all feel good about ourselves.

And come on, we all know that paratrooper will be lazy, drunk, and good for nothing. Well, other than for the white sniper and black mine sweeper to laugh at his accent.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Nor do I. Nor do I, but my children do. They are still small. But do you know who they like even better than Santa Claus? His helper, Pedro el Negro. Black Peter. There’s an old Mexican tale that tells of how Santa Claus got so very busy looking out for the good children that he had to hire some help to look out for the bad children. So he hired Pedro. And Santa Claus gave him a list with all the names of all the bad children. And Pedro would come every night to check them out. And the people, the little kids that were misbehaving, that were not saying their prayers, Pedro would leave a little toy donkey on their window. A little burro. And he would come back, and if the children were still misbehaving, Pedro would take them away, and nobody would ever see them again. Now, if I am being Santa Claus, and you are Pedro, how do you think jolly Santa Claus would feel if one day Pedro came into his office and said, ‘I lost the list.’ How fucking furious do you think he will get?

On this day, I pronounce my transition to a new name. Please accept, and continue reading. Move along now.